Pirates of the Caribbean 4 & Smuggled Treasures

On cheap night Tuesday, we headed out to the Mall to see Pirates 4. Busing it to such a place makes my skin crawl and the lighting does weird things to my eyes, but we had to see Disney's 4th installment of the series.

Gearing up for the movie, I smuggled in Jones Soda, Green Apple flavour, and Nativa milk chocolate. The risk of being sent to the gallows was worth it. Horrid tasting fountain pop and cheap concession stand chocolate candy do nothing for my taste buds.

We bought one of those combos that comes with 2 giant sized drinks, 1 enormous bag of popcorn, and a thing of miniature candy bars. One of my pals took the two drinks, since he drinks like a fish. Once he quickly drank the first pop, I poured the Green Apple over his leftover ice.

Cue the movie: When I saw previews showing some of the interaction between Jack Sparrow (Depp) and Angelica Malon (Penélope Cruz), To be honest, the whole Will Turner/Elizabeth Swan plot of the previous movies bored me nearly to death.

Well, imagine my surprise when the whole Jack/Angelica relationship turned out to be a bunch of tease! What? It's all verbal acrobatics, jokes about their previous time together while she stayed in a convent, ie: 'Was I your first?' he asked. The real question is, will the fifth movie be the first in which Jack gets to show us some of that reputation of his?

Yeah, there'll be a fifth movie. The end of this one (after the 3 hour reel of credits roles by) indicates as much. Hey, you don't kill the cash cow when it's still churning out the goods.

Okay, so the love element is, once again, presented by a young, virginal couple, bible-thumper Philip (Sam Claflin) and mermaid Syerena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey). They hookup when the pirates and the British and Spanish navies go on the hunt for vampires - I mean - mermaids, as part of the quest for the Fountain of Youth. That scene, with its bevy of vampish--er, fishy--women, comes off as a nice nod to Brahm Stoker's Dracula.

Speaking of the un-dead, zombies are included in this movie. Sadly, they don't get much screen time, other than to look the part and handle a few tiny bits of action. Course, they get more action than the Black Pearl's monkey and the Pearl herself. Yeah, it's gone, stuck in a bottle. Poor thing. Oh well, maybe she'll be riding the high seas in #5? No doubt, mate.

I'm running out of space, so I better talk about the villains here. They served up Blackbeard (Ian McShane), to balance out Balbosa (Geoffrey Rush). Yawn. My Green Apple soda offered more of a bite. I guess they spoiled us with Davy Jones (Bill Nighy). I didn't find Blackbeard or his ship the slightest bit intimidating. Mutiny? You bet. I want Davy back.

Balbosa did a far better job of being creepy. All he had to do was put on a British navy uniform and one of those wigs. *shudder* It worked for me. I didn't feel comfortable until he put his pirate gear back on. ...and here I throw in a quick nod to Mr. Gibbs (Kevin McNally), who sadly, didn't get his usual story-telling space--Balbosa stole that. Hrmpf.

Oh yes, the last thing to mention is the plot. The what? That's what I said. The hunt for the Fountain acted as the thin thread that bound it all together. Small points like the historical English-Spanish rivalry got a few acknowledgements. And, of course, we laughed at all the right places.

Pirates 4: 7 / 10 ~ Despite the disappointments mentioned above, it's still a fun movie to watch. I'd go see it again, but I hope they make Jack and Angelica the love interest in Pirates 5.

Food: 10 / 10 ~ Everything, from the popcorn to the chocolate and Crab Apple, tasted just right. In fact, the soda kept its flavour the entire movie.